Diary Of A Hollywood Refugee

Monday, April 25, 2005

Melt Away

I walk a lonely road,
The only one that I have ever known,
Don't know where it goes,
But it's home to me and I walk alone
It's cold, dark, dreary, hasn't stop raining all weekend... funny how the weather can sometimes feel like a reflection of what I'm feeling ....the clock ticked away the hours slowly...too slowly...I'm tired but sleep doesn't come easily....in fits and starts... and my apt seems so claustrophobic...so at 3:00am I layer myself in warm clothes, grab my IPOD, and I find myself going for a walk.

A long walk.

Alone....while the city sleeps.

Walking has a way of grounding me...but not tonite...tonite it's a walk of anger, hurt, frustration, as the rain hits my face hard; it's not even a gentle rain that washes and cleanses, it's a cold ice pellet kind of rain, that jolts you each time it hits your face.

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
I can't focus on any one thought as my mind wanders in and out of various conversations I've had recently.I'm thinking about what a reservist shared with me about his re-adjustment to civilian life.

Sgt.Single Guy is experiencing what I call "Divine Discontent". He served in Iraq for a year, working for a cause greater than himself. His time in Iraq has forever changed him, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, while the people in the world he has come back to have remained the same. He has become wiser, worldlier, and his life experiences separate him from those people that surround him, especially those women who remain untouched and uncaring of anything outside their small myopic universe, and whose naivety and lack of depth he finds intolerable. He feels so alone even as he is surrounded by so many. I truly empathize with him. I remember feeling that way so many times especially when in Hollywood. Neither he nor I suffer fools or shallowness lightly. He is not alone in his place of "Divine Discontent"---many guys that have come back share similar experiences.

I recognize it because I have experienced "Divine Discontent" all my life. At some points, it becomes easily recognizable, at other times in my life, It manifests covertly.

I walk down this empty street
Where the city sleeps
And Im the only one.
and I walk alone
Defenses come in many forms yet they all keep the world away from us just the same. The cyber world is one such defense. It keeps us connected across cities, states, and countries, but it also keeps us at bay. We hide within the ubiquitous internet, seeking intimacy, yet all the while knowing we do so at a safe distance.

From behind the safety of a cyber wall, we reveal ourselves, our inner thoughts and our deepest desires, to people we do not truly know, creating the illusion of intimacy.

Yet, how can we truly be intimate with someone when there is an entire dimension in the relationship that is completely missing. Cyber intimacy is just as much an illusion today as capricious sexual intimacy was in the 70's, 80s and 90's. And while illusions can be very powerful, at the end of the day, you walk away feeling something is still missing.

100 songs and I keep alternating between Greenday and Stabilo.

Everybody wants to hear someone say please
Cause everybody takes, and everybody steals
Everybody cries when somethings feels
Everybody is looking for the drug that heals.
Sometimes I feel like I am several different people: the person I am. The person I'd like to be. The person others perceive me to be or want me to be or need me to be.

Are we really ourselves in the cyberworld, or the figment of someones imagination?Does the cyber world allow us to express different sides of ourselves?When we connect with another, is it because we have found what we seek in another,or what we seek within ourselves?

Cause everybody wants, and everybody needs,
Everybody begs for self esteem
Why don't you get your mind out of the past
And everybody takes and everybody steals,
Everybody's been kicked by other heels

Down one street, left on another, right at the corner, I have no sense of where I am. I feel rain rain rain and more rain, hitting my face, it's getting colder, it still dark, and this part of the city is unfamiliar to me. I'm thinking of friendships lost, of why things unfolded as they did, of the choices some people make, of the choices I made, I' m trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.... I want to scream... but will anyone really hear me?

Doesn't anybody wanna take another shot at me ?
Go ahead the gun is loaded and the bullets are for free
Doesn't anybody spray perfume to cover up a smell ?
Doesn't anybody know where I go to get some air?
Wandering the streets alone at 3:00am...that's where I go to get some air.
To clear my mind........ cleanse my soul........... find some peace.
Yet none of that seems to be happening.

I keep reflecting back to conversations I wish I had never had with him, actions I wish had not been taken so that the outcome would never have occurred.....but then I'm struck with the thought that maybe this is exactly how it was all supposed to happen.....how it was meant to unfold. Now. In this way. Maybe. Maybe not. Doesn't matter. It has. One can't turn back time.

I lost a friend, a surrogate brother, for NO DAMN GOOD REASON. It's stupid. It's wrong. It didn't have to happen!! It shouldn't have happened!! We were friends! Friends are forever, no?? He was like a brother to me!!

Then a voice whispers gently "It may be wrong, it may be unfair, it's painful, maddening, frustrating, but it is what it is, you're angry, Hunt, just keep walking."
Anywhere! Everywhere! Nowhere! Just away!
Just keep walking. Eventually all roads lead you back home..... back to yourself.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I see two guys dressed in black, with long hair, cigs hanging from their mouths, walking in my direction.... as they approach I can sense I'm a mark for them...so I stop and stand defiant, while I think to myself

"Go ahead..make my nite...give me one good reason to ram my 4 inch heels into your throat with one swift kick that you won't soon forget".
They stop abruptly as if they heard my thoughts screaming at them across time and space, above the sound of rain hitting the street..... they look away, cross the street and move on.

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I crank my IPOD louder still alternating between Greenday and Stablio - hoping to shut out everything I'm feeling and thinking, but I'm all to aware that one can run, but never truly hide from one's own thoughts and feelings.

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

It's raining harder now and I'm soaked....part of me wants to be in bed, asleep, warm, and yet another part of me wants to keep walking..............forever

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I have no idea how long I've been walking, what time it is, where I'm going, or what I'll do when I get there, when suddenly I see an internet cafe that's open 24/7

I walk in, look around. It's empty except for the goth guy working behind the cash counter.I grab a hot tea, which they have brewing for some bizarre reason, and by the way, where the fuck did this internet cafe come from??? It's in the middle of nowhere!! I walk towards the computer, sit down in the cushioned char, open to my blog, and start writing. It dawns on me how freaking cold I am, soaked to the bone; soaked to my very soul.

I start to write, but my fingers are sooooo fucking cold, I can't type. I pick up the hot tea, sip it, and suddenly I'm aware that I'm back outside on the street as the cold rain still hits my face!!
I 'm shivering, but I continue walking, while I try to figure out where this Styrofoam cup, filled with hot tea that I'm now sipping, came from.

That voice gently whispers again "Hunt, what time is it?''
"Where are you?"
"Who are you?"
This moment!

I keep walking until I find myself walking into my apt, unsure how I got here or where I've been.

The clock reads 5:30am.

I run a scalding hot bath, peel off my soaking wet clothes, and throw them out. I don't want them anymore...I don't need them...plenty more hang in my closet and fill my drawers.

I slip into the bath and let the scalding hot water envelope me. The water is so hot, and I'm so numb from the cold, that frankly it barely feels warm. Steam is coming off the water, so maybe, if I'm lucky, the hot water will melt me. I close my eyes and see myself melting away.

M e l t i n g.

The balcony door is open and I can hear the nightingales greeting the dawn.
A poem from Alden filters into my thoughts

"The nightingales are sobbing in
the orchards of our mothers,
And hearts that we broke long ago
Have long been breaking others"

Some of us hurl ourselves at life, while others crouch and wait for it to roll over us. I can tell who is taking on life, who is fending it off, and whether this is a new game, or whether it's old.

TS Elliot wrote: "April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain."

I think Elliot understood that Spring involves rebirth and that most people would rather lie dormant and not quite come to life.

Who fucking cares?? Not me!! I lost a good friend. Right now, I just want to melt away.


  • At 4:36 PM, April 26, 2005, Anonymous cw4billt said…

    You caught the sadness and anger I felt watching friends die, or just hearing their last call over the radio. I'll be doing something for them--scratch that--for me and the other guys in my company who came back thirty-five years ago, and I'd like to request permission to link this post when I do.

    Next time you drop in at Sarge B's, ask him if he's got the rotor blade in place yet...

    Bill Tuttle

  • At 12:24 AM, April 27, 2005, Blogger Huntress said…

    Rotor blade huh?? Why do I have this feeling when I ask Sarge B that question, it will generate major laughter!!!

    Thirty five years ago...my gawd tempis fugit....and how terribly unfair we, as a country, have been to all those who served back then.

    I'll share another story with you in my next post.

    Feel free to link back to any post of mine, any time.

  • At 1:05 AM, April 27, 2005, Anonymous cw4billt said…

    No major laughter, but you'll probably get a rueful grin; if he doesn't launch into the saga, ask him to tell you about it...

    Thanks for permission to link--and I'm looking forward to your next post.

  • At 3:21 AM, April 27, 2005, Blogger Huntress said…

    He said blade is in safe storage but he's "still waiting for the REST of the bird" :)

  • At 2:47 PM, April 27, 2005, Blogger Sgt. B. said…

    Huntress, I addressed some related feelings to this on The Gun Line... I hope that you'll come visit.


Post a Comment

<< Home